Silent No More

Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

I will admit this up front: this post is not entirely altruistic. As a parent of two awesome ASD boys, at the risk of sounding self-serving, I’ll admit straight-away that going to church can be quite a challenge. Thankfully, in my experience, this has less to do with how the church has responded to us and more to do with my children and how they react in that type of environment.  (As I mentioned in my last post, my pastor is also my dad so I’m blessed to have easy access to our leadership for ways to incrementally make our church safe for special needs families.) 

Caring for and raising any child is difficult. Sometimes we parents have a successful day if our children are alive and fed at the end of it. However, I think we all can admit that children with special needs come with a unique set of challenges that the majority of parents with neurotypical kids don’t even know exist. I don’t like making comparisons, because difficulties and hardships are all unique when it comes to parenting. But sometimes I have to face reality. The truth is that raising special needs kids, and autistic kids in particular, comes with “special” struggles and heartaches.

Real Life Ways the Church Can Help

So, the question is, how can you and your church serve the parents of autistic children? In my experience, there are two particular things that I’ve encountered that would be really, really helpful. 

First, be a good friend. One of the primary functions of the church is building community and forging relationships. Having autistic kids make this extra challenging.  Mostly, having special needs children is isolating. At its worst, raising autistic kids means you have to maintain a rigid schedule. And by rigid, I mean rigid as a wooden board. For instance, I cannot put the children to bed any later than 8:30 pm. One of the challenges for those with autism is sleeping, and my kids are no exception. Gideon is up multiple times a night, and not only that, if he doesn’t go to bed by 7:30, it can lead to hours-long tantrums. Something like attending my weekly small group is almost impossible, because he can’t sleep anywhere other than in his own bed. Silas, no matter what time he goes to bed, is up at 6:30am, sometimes earlier.  

Being a good friend could mean, quite literally, meeting the parent where they are physically located. This could mean having your small group meetings at their house even if they live farther away. At times, I have been able to attend our Community Group because my dad watches the boys for me. In the past, I have hosted at my house. And it’s not only the small group. Generally speaking, parenting special needs kids is incredibly isolating relationally and socially. Not only is there a whole new world of therapy, doctors’ appointments, navigating financial struggles because of said therapies/doctors’ appointments, but often people don’t know what to say or do to help. In fact, because of this, they end up saying or doing things that are harmful, hurtful, or just plain ignorant. Part of being a good friend is being available and willing to learn about your friends’ needs related to friendship, social outings and engagements, and patience. There are seasons of my life where I literally have no strength to be the one to reach out to my friends and even just “keep up” with their lives. I’ve learned the hard way that expectations will not be met unless they are spoken. However, on the flip side, it’s safe to assume that your friend who has a special needs child will greatly appreciate you reaching out to them with no expectations of being met even half way. There will be times they can, but there will be times they can’t.

Second, adapt Children’s Ministry to serve the child and their parents. I adore my church, but for two years I begged for them to have childcare for the entire service (our church includes children in the worship time and provides Sunday-school type ministry during the sermon.) And while there were understandable reasons why this was challenging in our small church with people already serving heroically in numerous areas, it was frustrating.  Inevitably during worship, one of my children would run off down the aisle, or comment loudly during a soft song or prayer about something inane (much to the amusement of everyone around them), or scream for some unknown reason. Thankfully, my church not just loves my children but enjoys them, too. So, when Silas loudly proclaims what song is coming up next and what number it’s in the song rotation, half the church laughed. But worship is about Jesus, not my kids, and as their mother, not a service went by that I could fully engage my heart with the Lord. Once childcare was offered through the whole service, this changed. Honestly, in order for anyone with special needs kids to stay at your church, you need to at least provide childcare as an option for the whole service.  Parents may not choose to utilize it for any number of reasons, but even those parents will be grateful that their needs are considered by your church. 

Why? Because all too often families are asked to leave churches because the church either can’t or won’t respond to the needs of families with autistic kids. I could spend the rest of this post showing how this is not only incredibly insensitive but is also anti-gospel. I won’t. But I will say this: autism is not an excuse not to love. This has happened to people I know. They were asked to leave because their son, who is in his early twenties but has the capacity of an eight-year-old, still wanted to attend youth group. They were told he was not welcome any more because he made some of the kids “uncomfortable” because he was older. 

My heart breaks for this family, but it also breaks for the church, who is missing out on what a wonderful family they are and how incredible their son is. And they missed out on a tangible, real way to show the gospel, not only to this family, but to the kids of that youth group. Serving the parents of kids with autism most likely means making it as easy as possible for them to enter into fellowship. This might mean letting the 22-year-old still attend youth group. Or, in our case, letting the tall, clumsy 9-year-old autistic child stay in the three-year-old class because that’s where he’s at intellectually and socially. 

Everything is a heart issue. Jesus made this clear. If our heart is to serve and love others like Jesus did, it means stepping outside our comfort zones and embracing the call to think of others as more important than ourselves. It means loving those who are hard to love, serving those who are different than us, and finding ways to express the grace we have received from God toward others. Many, many churches excel at this. Mine is one of those. It’s not perfect by any means. But it’s a safe place for my children, which is a huge deal. It’s become a safe place for them because they are unconditionally accepted. They are highlighted for their strengths and foreborn with in their weakness. They are treated with empathy, compassion, and humor. Isn’t that what we all need, autistic or not? 

Autism turns the mirror around and shows us what we truly look like. It challenges us to be better, love better, serve better. Having autistic sons has shown me facets of the gospel I might not have ever seen before. It shows me a God who commands us to love him with all our heart, strength, mind, and soul, and who is patient with those who might not have the capacity to meet that command that others have. It shows me a Savior who doesn’t differentiate his forgiveness for sins based on gender, skin color, neurological capacity, or anything else. It shows me that we all want the same things: to be loved, understood, and valued, and that we have a God who does all those things perfectly. He meets us where we are at, loves us for who we are, and created us all exactly as he intentioned. 

How is it that we get to serve a God like this? And if we get to serve Him, we get to serve others like He does. It’s an incredible, mind-boggling, staggering truth. Autism highlights the weakness and brokenness in us all if we humbly seek to see our own inabilities and flaws, and gives the church the opportunity to shine the light of God’s love into the darkness of the world by meeting others where they are.