Silent No More

A few days ago, I wrote about my own journey of deconstruction. Today, you get to sit down with me as I interview my sister, Jaime. She’s married, a mother of five, and is the Director of Nursing for a successful home health company. In just one year, she has doubled the amount of patients seen by the agency. And… she’s my boss. But more importantly, she’s my friend. The respect I have for her is unparalleled.

Thank you, Jaime, for participating in this series. It’s something I’ve wanted to sit down and do with you for a while now. Both of us have been doing some deconstructing of our faith, and while I’ve been in dialogue with my friends about it, and with you of course, it doesn’t seem like you’ve been in much discussion with others about your own journey. Why do you think that is? 

 That’s a great question. I would say the main reason is, I did not even realize it was happening. Looking back, it has been happening slowly for many, many years.  The closer my kids became to 18, the age I eloped, the more I felt there was something wrong with my story and belief system.  What I like to call my “head exploding”, really began around the time Kayla (my oldest) was 14, which was about 9 or 10 years ago. I certainly would not have called it deconstructing due to this being an extremely negative word in most circles I was in, but I was really beginning to rethink what I was raised to believe.

Secondly, once I did realize it was happening, I did not trust anyone enough to talk about it. I learned at a young age that my actions carried heavy consequences. It was not worth the risk that my thoughts or actions might impact myself and others, especially my kids, in negative ways so I silently wrestled alone for years. Straying from the expected path was always met with bad results.

That’s understandable. Your elopement wasn’t handled well by the church, to put it mildly, and the fallout effected the whole family. So I’m sure keeping silent about your deconstruction made the most sense at the time.  And I’m grateful you’re speaking about it now. I can definitely relate to the “not realize it’s happening” feeling. So I want to ask the questions no one has bothered asking you about this whole process. First, I mentioned in part 1 of this series that there are very few hills I will die on. For you, what are the things you believed growing up that you still believe now? 

I don’t know how to answer that question. It’s really only been over the past 1-2 years that I started being truly focused on what it is I do believe. I haven’t gotten to the place of putting those pieces back together. I have been hyper-fixated on one thing for a long time; that my kids feel safe, heard, and loved. Everything else is secondary. Between my kids, my husband, and my work I spend a lot of time in crisis management and survival mode, so I disengage from the stress I feel about beliefs. 

Oh, I feel that in my bones. Survival mode is pretty much my state of being these days. What three things would you say are the most important right now in your current belief system? You mentioned that your kids feel safe, heard, and loved (which you do so, so well). Would you be able to pinpoint two or three more? Beliefs that you feel define who you are. 

I thought about this question for a while.  I think ultimately it comes down to what I said about my kids, but extends to everyone.  All deserve to be heard, loved, and feel safe.  I thought about my intense desire to advocate for others, my indignation regarding certain matters in healthcare or religion, my attempts to constantly play Devil’s advocate and ensure people understand one another, and my (sometimes to a fault) seeking to just let things go in order to not hurt others.  All these things define me. I am not sure if it answers your question, but it is the only thing I truly feel like I know about myself at this point in my life. 

It does. It seems that you’re identifying yourself as someone who advocates for others, plain and simple. I love that about you – you do it so well. And it is such an important piece of who you have become, in light of what you have experienced. You’re doing for others, with such passion and grace, what you wish had been done for you. I wish it had been done for you, too. In light of your answers above regarding why you haven’t talked much about your deconstruction, your disengagement from your former belief system, and what defines you right at this moment, was there some sort of catalyst or defining moment that made you want to start speaking about it now?

As I’ve begun processes through my true feelings (which has only been recently) I know of 3. First, like I mentioned before, my kids getting older. Second, the 2016 election. And third, the 2020 pandemic. My kids getting older started it all, but oddly enough, the 2016 election impacted me in indescribable ways. Working in the hospital during the pandemic was life changing overall, but what I saw in others during this time pushed me even further towards questioning my historical beliefs and views, and it was worsened by distrust of the church.

Can you expound on that? Let’s start with the 2016 election. Was it how conservative Christians responded to Trump? Or was it more than that?

I think you have to understand a bit more of what I have been through. In 1998 I eloped.  This brought down some severe consequences from the church, things like my salvation being questioned, and being fired from my job at the church office. I was also not allowed to continue to serve and run the children’s ministry program, and the list goes on. There was also the mental damnation that I internalized when I decided to get married without permission. This choice has caused me a lifetime of consequences. I lived with a belief that every single thing that went wrong in my life was a “consequence of my sin”. I was literally told this, among other untrue and traumatic things.

Fast forward to when the conservative Christians elected Trump. This was a self-proclaimed immoral man who had lived his life in a clearly, how should I say, un-Christian way. Watching others (I guess for the sake of politics) embrace, defend, and, dare I say, seemingly worship him was mind blowing. I remembered vividly how I was treated as an 18 year old girl when I eloped. I was shamed and rejected. I was told that every good thing was despite my “sin”, and every bad thing was the consequence of it. I lost everything, with no hope of ever being worthy to get it back. I was scarred for life.

Fast forward years later, and suddenly a man can proclaim whatever he wants, with no historical evidence of truth, and gain the love, adoration, and support of Christians. Adultery; no problem. Lying; it’s in the past. Degrading women; forgotten. Believing in abortion; changed his mind. I began to feel true rage. Rage for that girl who had to stand in front of a thousand people and confess sins written down and edited by others. Rage that the Christians who decided I would have a lifetime of difficulty due to my actions could turn a blind eye to the actions of a disgusting man. No questions asked. The hypocrisy was infuriating, so I began to wonder about the truth of ANYTHING.

That had to be so disorienting. And it’s truly something to be infuriated about. Although I didn’t experience what you did, I had a similar reaction to it. The hypocrisy was mind-blowing to me. Can you now expound on the pandemic?

It was just another way I felt the hypocrisy of Christians was disgusting.  I started my nursing career in early 2020.  I went through every stage of the pandemic. I worked every floor, including the ECMO unit where people were kept alive by machines. I would come home from the hospital with scars from PPE, attempting to disengage from what I had seen or done that day, and watch on social media the response from Christians. They acted like they were the ones in crisis because a restaurant made them wear a mask. “My body, my choice” suddenly became important to them! I don’t think I have to explain the irony regardless of your beliefs about abortion.

I sat with people who were on chemo, or had comorbidities where they felt like their life was at risk with COVID, speaking about their fear of going out in public. One infection could mean life or death to many, but some Christians were so infuriated because they were being “forced” to maintain good infection control. People so blinded by their own comfort and beliefs that they would literally argue masks don’t work – to me, someone on the front lines fighting COVID, watching people die from it.   

I could pull up a bunch of scripture to appeal to them that they should wear the damn mask, if only to show love to others, but what was the point? I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of having to daily watch people suffer and die, only to come home to so many Christians saying that Covid wasn’t even true. What I was living was being questioned. What I saw with my own eyes was being challenged. The fear, pain, and suffering for so many was ignored. Even more, I began to wonder if Christians were ever who they said they were.  They cheered one another on for defying the rules by not adhering to precautions and not allowing “tyranny”, no matter the cost. It was like the very people who claimed to follow Jesus, who was supposed to be the most loving person to ever exist, suddenly didn’t care about loving others like he did. I had a hard time imagining Jesus would have been cheering their Facebook posts and wearing a “Don’t Tread on Me” shirt. I wanted to believe he would’ve been with the vented patient on ECMO, or appealing to people to wear the mask in Publix. Even if it was true that masks didn’t work, wearing one would, at the very LEAST, show love and compassion to the woman with cancer, the man with diabetes, or the grandpa with CHF, who all may have been living in fear for their life and wellbeing.

The pandemic felt like the final straw for me, but also a true awakening. This was not me. I wanted no part of this mindset and belief system. This was around the time memories of my own trauma began to become unlocked, and it was too much to bear, so I disengaged from it. I decided my focus was my job and my kids. It was the only thing that made any sense at all in life anymore.

I remember feeling things similar to what you just described. I lost all respect for a lot of people I knew, just based on the mask debate. People I thought were loving, caring, and kind, threw fits about wearing a mask. I also recognized the absolute irony of the same people who claimed to be pro-life, suddenly not caring about their neighbor’s life. It was like they stole the “my body, my choice” slogan and made it their own. It was disheartening. So in light of those two things, it sounds like you broke off officially (for lack of a better term) from the conservative Christian crowd and no longer wanted anything to do with them. It seems like maybe you are still in “disengaged” mode to some extent. If you could sit down now with 18-year-old Jaime who just returned from her elopement, what would you say? And as a follow up question, how would you respond differently to the absurd things that you were made to do, or the horrible things that were said to and about you? 

I would say to 18 year old Jaime, “I am glad you are home and come on in. Bring that random boy you love, too. He is welcome. What do you need? Do you need anything for your home? I want to do what I can to help set up your life together.”  I would ask if she needed space, needed support, needed a friend, or needed my protection. I would try my best to assist her to begin her new life in a state of happiness and love. If she wanted to celebrate, I would make it happen. I would make sure she felt like she could laugh and love and be who she wanted to be.

How I would respond now is how I would respond if someone tried to humiliate and shame my own kid. I would fight with a vengeance against anyone who dared to try.  That is all I am going to say in writing about that.

There are so many more questions I could ask, but just not enough space or time. Thank you for engaging with me about this. I’m so proud of you.