Silent No More

One discussion I had with my ex-husband has haunted me for years. We were in some sort of disagreement (I can’t remember what it was about) and to prove a point, he said, “One day I will stand before God and have to answer for you.” Every cell in my body recoiled as soon as the words left his mouth. I felt physically ill. My answer was along the lines of, “No thanks. I would rather have Jesus answer for me.” 

The disagreement ended and we went about our lives. But one thing stood out so starkly: I was incredibly sad that he genuinely believed he would have to answer for me. What an awful burden to bear – that someone else’s actions or sins would fall on your shoulders. The weight of that belief had to have been crushing. Every time I did or said something he deemed wrong, he thought he would have to answer for it. I wasn’t primarily upset that he believed something as damning as that, but that this was exactly the type of thing complementarianism teachings can lead to. 

Complementariansm became a buzzword when Wayne Grudem and John Piper published a book called Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. They, and a handful of others, coined the term that basically means “Different roles but equal in worth.” It was a reaction to perceived feminist influence in the church, and the rise of female teachers and preachers. It arose in an attempt to stand strong on teachings in the Scripture on male headship and female submission, particularly in the home and church. 

On the other side of the coin is egalitarianism. Strictly defined, egalitarian means “relating to or believing in the principle that all people are equal and deserve equal rights and opportunities.” In the church, egalitarianism is the belief that there are no gender-differing roles in the home or church. Women have just as much equal say in those spheres as men do. 

This is not an article claiming that one is better than the other. When misapplied, either one can lead to false teachings and misrepresentation of the Scripture. However, the personal impact of complementarianism and a misapplication of it, in my opinion, is far more detrimental than an egalitarian belief, to both men and women. 

The statement my ex-husband made shows this so clearly. Because male headship and female submission is pushed so heavily in complementarian theology, which is very closely tied to Reformed theology, it paves a broad road to male spousal abuse and crushing belief systems. Women become doormats and men become domineering, not because the Scripture teaches such a thing, but because it fits so nicely within a patriarchal framework. Because complementarianism was a reaction to feminism (not egalitarianism, an important distinction), the main issue it addressed was the rise of female empowerment. It doesn’t say that men get to decide everything, but what it did say was female empowerment within the church is dangerous. Reactionary teaching on secondary matters not pertaining to the core of the gospel opens the door to those teachings becoming gospel. That is the lie. 

It’s a very devious lie, too. After all, the Bible does seem to teach “differing roles but equal in worth.” And those teachings from 2,000 years ago are then applied to modern day home and church constructs. The teachings themselves were written at a time when men and women sat on separate sides of the synagogues and churches. Women were not permitted to speak in religious settings at all, had to have their heads covered, couldn’t wear jewelry or bring any sort of attention to their physical appearance (1st Corinthians 11).

The lie is that because men need to have headship over their wives and children, it means he will be accountable for their actions. This is clearly taking out of context the teaching of Paul, who had a list of requirements for men wanting to be pastors (1 Timothy 3), that they needed to have “control” over their homes, so to speak. The idea was that a pastor needed to be held to a higher standard when it came to his home life, and doesn’t even touch on the idea that all men must answer for their wives and children. 

But the line isn’t hard to track, is it? The line from orderliness in the home and church to the crushing weight of responsibility and accountability for your wife or children’s behavior, before God. It makes total sense. If men actually think this is true, it’s no wonder they crack down on their wives and children’s behavior. This clearly leads to all forms of abuse – if a man can’t control his family, he will be held accountable before God for it. So therefore, he must control them and make sure they act in a way that won’t get him in trouble. 

In short, this modern teaching has led to devastating consequences. Nowhere in the Bible will you see the words “complementarianism” or “egalitarianism.” But one of those teachings stresses the importance of male authority and the other doesn’t. One stresses the importance of equality and fairness, while the other stresses differences and roles. One places the impetus on our identity not being found in our differences, and one places the impetus on our identity needing to include our differences. And that is the lie.

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